In a bold act of 21st-century conservation, the UK government has chosen to preserve nature by… bulldozing it. That’s right – ecologists, brace yourselves. Your spreadsheets are no match for Sir Keir Starmer’s concrete mixer.
The Planning and Infrastructure Bill, dubbed the “Let’s Just Build It Act” by those still clinging to irony, promises to “unblock” vital infrastructure by lovingly relocating protected species from existence into a Nature Restoration Fund – a kind of GoFundMe for wildlife extinction.
Gone are the days when bats held up billion-pound railways. “Enough is enough,” ministers roared, gesturing wildly at a £100mn tunnel built for Bechstein’s bats, those flying freeloaders who’ve been living rent-free in the British psyche. Now, with Natural England nobly dropping the requirement to read anything from the Bat Conservation Trust, the skies are finally clear – for diggers.
Jason Reeves of the Chartered Institute of Ecology and Environmental Management, whose job title may not survive the bill, says ecologists are panicking. The profession, after all, depends on pesky things like environmental surveys and mitigation. But under the new regime, developers can simply toss a coin – or better yet, a cheque – into the restoration fund and carry on paving paradise.
Critics (read: everyone who isn’t a housing developer) warn of “habitat gaps” and “local extinctions.” But don’t worry – somewhere, someday, a tree might be planted. Probably near a car park. Possibly on fire.
As thousands of ecologists clutch their clipboards and CVs, government spokespeople insist this is a “win-win for the economy and nature.” Presumably because nature won’t be around to lose.
So raise a glass (ideally one made of recycled plastic) to Britain’s new eco-strategy: Eco jobs gone. Bats gone. But houses? Oh, they’re coming.
And if you see a great crested newt – don’t worry. It’s probably just an unemployed ecologist in a wetsuit.
